Posts
Lately, my dreams have pushed towards the exceptionally unusual. I have always had dreams about crocodilians, because they terrify me. And I have daddy issues, so there is that also. And I think that if you hit 15 years old and haven't had a sex dream, something in your life needs to be evaluated, so naturally I have those. Not saying my life doesn't need to be evaluated, because that's kind of what I am doing here, but I'll be explicit for the sake of clarification: I have sex dreams occasionally. But lately they have been more vivid and varied, and frankly, they have been a little weird. Interestingly enough to me, lately my dreams have included things that I could not have come up consciously. In one dream, a person had been choked to death and the blood vessels in their eyes were ruptured, which would not have occurred to me even if I was awake. And a couple of nights ago, I dreamed that a new street was being put through my house. When I argued that the road was unnecessary, I was shown a street map, which my unconscious had obviously generated, and a man explained the plan to me and refuted my arguments validly. I lost an argument to my unconscious. How does that possibly work?
As a good segway to discussing love, I recently had a dream with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Sadly, I forgot her face shortly after I woke up, but these things happen. She was gorgeous, and I remember thinking her nose was something special. I looked at her and I felt love. (segway accomplished) But in the dream it was just a feeling. An emotion was generated based on my brain chemistry and whatever. I felt love, but I was not in love, because she did not really exist. Existence is a necessary condition of love. I exist, so what I love must also exist. More specifically, who I love must exist, or else it's all just nonsense.
So, I am going to share my opinion of love. Of the condition of being in love, of which the brain chemistry and the feeling are a portion. To say you are in love is to say that you are meeting all of the conditions under which a person can be said to be loving something. And I hope everyone feels that at least once in their life. And I'll tell you something, nobody is in love all of the time. I have loved a ton of things in my life. I have loved a few people. I love my mother, my little brother and sister. That is familial love, and I love them, and all conditions are met to make me have affection for them. I love technology. I love that it works sometimes, I love that it is so remarkable and that it is greater than what used to be imagined to be possible. The internet is one of the top 10 greatest inventions ever. I can get information about the other side of the world from space delivered to a piece of metal and plastic in my pocket with the touch of a finger. Think about that for a moment, and if you don't understand how that is important, go outside and stand in traffic until something man-made hits you at high speeds.
Romantic love is more elusive. I loved a girl once, with everything I had. We were very happy for a time. I loved her, was in love with her, and she returned to me the same. It was wonderful. But as they say, all good things must come to an end, and we weren't long for this world. I could go on about afternoons spent in bed looking at each other and talking, and about whole days worth of time spent on the phone talking about life, and the world. But we weren't compatible as time went on, and we separated, and after a time we broke up. And that was tough. No, doubt, that was the start of so many moments to come right there, breaking up with Sarah. That was something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, that feeling of having a person you care so much about taken from you by your hand, but it is also something everyone needs to feel because it is an eye-opener. You really feel when you go from love to pain in moment. But the conditions for being in love with her were not withstanding the reality that we were headed different places in life. I'm a graduate student now and she can't finish her Associate of Arts degree. I love ideas, she loved feeling, I felt only a minimal obligation to my family, she was obedient to them in so many ways. We split apart in that way. I suppose, looking back on it, and even then I knew it, we were perfect in all the small ways, but on the big issues we were leagues apart.
And there was another a few months after that that I thought I loved at the time. She was a fireball, that was a true flash-in-the-pan relationship. Beth and I cared for each other for a while, and then the inverse of that came about. Affection turned to a desire to see each other ended in a matter of 2 weeks or so. Funny how a friend sleeping with your ex you cared about can turn you against both of those people. But that relationship too was an eye-opener. I learned that a nice body and a an enjoyable conversationalist can be a nightmare if that person might someday show up at your doorstep with a bloody knife. I'm dramatizing this of course, but not by much.
But I have always been attracted to the crazy. First few girls I ever had a thing for were all kinda crazy, at least to some degree. Theatre chicks, I've always been attracted to them. Those tend to be people who already have a few characters in their heads before they start standing on stage yelling to the rafters in front of crowds. And that brings me to Clementine. Real name Megan, you are beginning, I hope to see what is going on here. She was just not a good fit for me. We agreed on the major issues. We could talk for hours about complex issues, we agreed a lot, and we could have fun together. But over time, roughly about the time we moved in together, we started to see the worse in each other. We had no space anymore, and we were getting annoyed with each other hour by hour. I hated how she would never do what she said she would, she hated that I was always at the house and wanted to know what she was up to. Undoubtedly, we were a terrible match. And that ended before she even moved out. And she moved out as soon as we could get her gone. Actually, moving her out was the most productive we were towards each other over a period of 2 months.
But, on the upside, I've learned something from each girl I have dated. I've learned that you have to be honest with yourself, that you have to put your feelings after your thoughts, because if you know something in your head, it is probably true, but your emotions just want to be fueled. Your mind wants you to be in a better place, and your emotions just want to be felt. And if things are going south, get out before they go supernova. And if you doubt something, explore it, don't just hope that it goes away.
Romantic love is elusive, as I said before. For me especially I suppose. Someone that agrees with me on the big issues? Where am I going to find a good Capitalist in this region? Where am I going to find someone who prefers reason to emotion? Someone who understands physical intimacy like I do? Okay, that last one isn't difficult at college, but still. Someone who makes me feel better and think better that I can do the same for? It's practically impossible. Even if I had the whole world open to me I would face difficulty there. Plus, I'm moving in a year or so, meaning if I began something now the only way that relationship would end would be in pain, either by leaving or a fight.
So I stick to myself. I don't keep any close friends, partially because most people don't care for my opinions, but also because I like doing what I want when I want. I outlined once what my perfect woman would be. She'd be: part Italian, art Russian, theatre person who likes art but prefers discussions on architecture and other usefulforms of art to art that does nothing, a musician, violin and piano, who composes her own concertos in her spare time, a princess of a small island nation where she has a mostly ceremonial position but that still garners her some serious respect. When it comes to looks, there is a lot of leeway there, as I like women of all shapes and sizes, but the personality is what I think is impossible. So if you find a single girl meeting these qualifications, give her my number.
Tomorrow's post will be whatever the hell I want it to be. I'm thinking about breaching the sex issue tomorrow, or perhaps whatever strikes my fancy. It'll be a surprise. And if you really read this whole thing, kudos to you. Now go play outside.
No comments:
Post a Comment